lately some days i feel like i could blow up because i am so confused on what direction to take my life. it feels like a million life decisions need to be made quickly and i don't seem to have my answer on what road to take. time keeps moving forward and i feel like i am sprinting as fast as i can and i can't seem to catch up with it. i woke up this morning and it felt like 70000 bricks were on my chest.
as we drove to park city as a family, the thought came to my head. why would heavenly father make me carry this big of a load, i am only 18 years old? doesn't he know i am struggling already? when will my answer come? is he even listening to my prayers? how long is he going to make me wait? does he even care or even so know what i am going through? as i looked outside the window as we passed the big scenic mountains i realized something and i remembered that today i wasn't carrying a heavy load alone, for my problems were a tiny grain of sand, or even so nothing compared to what others are going through.
we drove and my thoughts kept spinning. i looked down at my phone and read, "july 31st" on my home screen. i soon realized that none of my problems mattered anymore and everything froze, the cars seemed to stop, the sound blurred. today was a day that was one of the hardest days for a family that i love and adore more than anything. 5 years ago today the kofford family lost their sweet, blonde haired, blue eyed, dimple faced, four year old boy.
my heart started to swell and i felt so selfish for even thinking that my load was heavy. i felt selfish for thinking that heavenly father wasn't aware of me. he is aware of ALL of us. the thought came to me, that heavenly father was watching over the kofford family closely today with little cooper sitting on his lap. for i believe that we were all given different trials in heaven. for we need to remember that we voluntarily took on the challenges because not only did we know we could get through them here on earth, but so did our father in heaven. he trusted us with every fiber of his being. he gave his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.
quickly all the doubts and questions i had earlier in the drive left my head. for we know better that we are never alone through our hardest battles. we are promised to have angels on our left side and on our right side. the savior has felt every single one of our pains. we are never alone. heavenly father is aware of us and he is willing to help us if we reach for him.
i can't say i know what it feels like to lose someone so little and so innocent. for i have not had that trial, but i do know that i can feel sweet little cooper's spirit every time i visit the kofford home in provo. his spirit lingers and i can tell he was a very special one. i can't wait to meet that little one someday. what an amazing thing to KNOW that the kofford family will be able to see their little one again. being a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints is everything we need.
for today i did not wake up alone with the feeling of 70000 bricks on my chest, the kofford family did as well as they remembered their sweet little coop and i can guarantee that the savior was right by their side, helping them carry the load. he is there to help anyone and everyone that is willing to reach out to him. as today comes to a close, the kofford family has been on my mind like crazy and i can't help but think that little coop is there with them today. i love you coop! thank you for helping me realize what really is important in life and helping me forget the little silly things that don't have any importance. families are forever. grateful for the kofford family that can show unbelievable strength through the hardest of times. july 31st is a day to look back at those big dimples and white hair and remember that heavenly fathers plan is greater and bigger than we can understand and that the kofford family will be able to squeeze that little one tight again someday.
we love you little man!